Q. How can I control my childish wife?

A. It is not our job as husbands to control our wives, but to love them unconditionally and sacrificially. This includes loving them––and showing love to them––regardless of what we perceive their faults to be. God is the One who should be in control of our lives and marriages. Although God commands our wives to respect us as husbands (Ephesians 5:22-24), He does not give us the authority to be “controlling” over our wives––as is mentioned in your question.

You cannot control her reactions, responses, and attitude; you can only control your own. The Holy Spirit is the only one that can convict her of her “childish” ways. You cannot and should not. If you try to convict her––or confront her in an unloving manner––she will probably resent you. Pray that the Holy Spirit will convict her heart to change, and also pray that God will give you the strength and patience (Colossians 3:19) to love her unconditionally, whether she changes or not (Ephesians 5:25).

I would encourage both of you to seek Christian marriage counseling. I hope you are part of a church family with some wise and discerning married couples to whom you could both (or at least you) go for advice. Also, hopefully you are in a church family where your wife could form strong relationships with godly women who could be a positive influence on her. Most likely, she would listen to their words with an open heart before she would listen to you. Do not, however, try to take matters into your own hands by telling these women about your wife––trust God to take care of this in His time. You can also form strong relationships with godly men who can be a positive influence for you, and who will encourage you to love your wife the way Christ wants you to love her (Ephesians 5:25-27).

I would recommend you do special things for your wife to demonstrate your love for her. You could make her dinner, buy her flowers, or do things around the house that are usually left for her to take care of. She may not acknowledge them, or appreciate them, but you will be showing obedience to God, regardless, by loving your wife as He commands. As men, we have a great tendency to want to “fix” things, but as Christians, we need to leave the fixing up to God and wait patiently on Him.

I also recommend seeing the movie “Fireproof,” which is about a man who gives his life to God, and in the process changes the direction of his unloving, broken marriage.

– Adam Grimenstein

I have a lot of guy friends. We hang out and flirt with each other a lot, even though we’re not dating. One of my friends said that I’m tempting and leading them on. I think we’re just having innocent fun. Who is right?

Coming from a guy’s perspective, you very easily could be turning your guy friends on and sending them the wrong messages. Guys are very visual and respond to touch very easily. In fact, I think guys, as myself, respond to touch much like girls do. For example, if one of your guy friends frequently gave you back massages, you might be likely to want to be closer to him in all the wrong ways. It is very similar with guys when you give them the attention they might be needing and the sensual or sexual touch they might be desiring, even though you think it is innocent and playful. For example, sitting in his lap would definitely be a bad idea, as well as frontal hugging.

You should never let your body get too close, intimately, to another guy’s body. You should keep it pure until marriage, no matter what the cost, even if it means going against your feelings and controlling your flirting and playing. Romans 12:1 says, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.”

Self-control is very important here. Whatever you’re thinking may not always be the right thing or the pure thing to do. Think of what pleases God. Pray for discernment. If you think there is any chance your actions or comments could be sending your guy friends the wrong messages or introducing impure thoughts, they probably are. Paul says in I Corinthians 10:32: “Do not cause anyone to stumble.” Therefore, you should control your feelings and spontaneous actions. Think before you act. Consider how much control you have over guys’ thoughts, and keep God’s word in mind when it comes to your behavior with the opposite sex.

It’s fine to have close guy friends who you can have fun with, but remember that your actions and decisions not only affect you but others as well.

By Adam Grimenstein

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year, but lately he acts like he doesn’t care anymore! I hate it, but on the other hand he can be the sweetest guy. He helps me with things and he is a gentleman, but sometimes he has his bi-polar ways. There is also a 2-year age difference and he’s going to college this year, but I’ll still be in high school. What should I do? – Dory

My first question is, do you think you are ready to marry him, or that you could marry him? Is he someone who helps you grow and encourages you in your relationship with God? If your heart says no, then you do not need to continue the relationship. If he is not someone whom you can currently depend on to be stable in his actions, he may never be that person.

Having girlfriends and boyfriends is not in itself a bad thing; however, it can lead to temptation and unrealistic expectations of marriage, especially at your age. To remain pure in all of our relationships should be a priority and a call to obedience toward God. If you and your boyfriend have given in to temptation, then you would both be living in an unhealthy and disobedient manner (I Thessalonians 4:3-7). Our past relationships, whether good or bad, influence us in many ways and are carried with us throughout our lives. Also, the popular or “normal” thing to do, which dating sometimes is, is not always the right thing to do. God is preparing someone for you, if His will is for you to someday marry. You just need to trust and follow His direction by reading the Bible, praying, and working on your relationship with God first and foremost. This relationship with God will teach you to be ready to listen and recognize when He places His choice in your life.

It seems to me your boyfriend is taking you for granted. It is easy to take each other for granted, but that is not an excuse for treating you poorly. Taking each other for granted happens often enough in a relationship. I can easily fall into taking my wife for granted; therefore, we must continually work to renew our marriage so we can be thankful for and appreciate one another. The person you choose to share your life with also needs to be willing to work at the relationship, to be thankful for you, and to show that thankfulness by treating you properly.

You must also realize that once he goes to college, he will be starting a new chapter of his life, apart from you. He will be faced with different things that you have probably not faced yet. It’s very easy for us to become comfortable with someone we’ve been with for awhile, and we often don’t want to give up the relationship simply because we feel we’ve invested so much time and energy into it. I encourage you to realistically look at this person and decide if he is someone you could really see yourself marrying, and as a result, growing old with. If not, no matter how hard it may be to admit, it’s time to give up the relationship.

If you have a question you’d like a guy’s opinion about, please let us know!

By Adam Grimenstein

“I feel like I am so in love with my boyfriend, but my parents question that. How do I know that what I feel is love?”

Love is a deep word. However, it is often used too casually and carelessly. You have probably heard the phrase “Love at first sight,” but I don’t believe that concept. Love takes work—a lot of work. Sometimes you may not feel very loving toward someone, even though you know you love them. But love is not just about feelings; it is an act involving effort, and a demonstration of selflessness.

When I first met the girl who would become my wife, “love at first sight” was not the case for me. Sure, I was infatuated with her, but I didn’t really know her, so how could I say that I really loved her? Being compatible with someone doesn’t mean that your relationship will result in love. I remember the main reason I wanted to marry her was because I was ready to settle down and work at our relationship, and because she made me a better person and encouraged and strengthened my relationship with God. My infatuation was not the deciding factor; my determination to work at the relationship and be selfless was. And by this point, I knew that I did love my wife. I love my wife more today than I did nine years ago when we met. Real, godly love does not stop growing. There are many examples of couples who have been married 50 years or more and when one dies, the other dies only weeks later. That person became so much a vital part of them that they couldn’t last without them.

When dating, you should be looking for a relationship in which there are biblical qualities of love. It just so happens that there is an entire chapter in the Bible that lists these qualities—1 Corinthians 13.

Ask yourself this question, and be honest: Do you have all these qualities of love for your boyfriend, or are you striving to improve your relationship with these qualities?

Patience: Are you often in a hurry to say your piece? Do you get impatient when he doesn’t call when he says he will?

Kind: Do you make an effort to encourage and build up your boyfriend?

Does not envy: Do you get jealous if he spends his time with other friends, or talks to another girl?

Does not boast: Do you lift yourself up, and in the process put him down?

Is not proud: Do you consider yourself better than him, or less of a sinner?

Is not rude: Do you do things to build him up, or do you embarrass him in front of others?

Is not self-seeking: Do you think of yourself first in the relationship, or do you put his wants and needs before your own? Does he do the same with you?

Is not easily angered: Do you anger easily at trivial things that he says or does?

Does not keep a record of wrongs: Do you keep track of little things he does or doesn’t do to upset you? Do you remind him of these things to make him feel guilty?

Does not delight in evil: Do you participate in ungodly activities with him? Does he encourage you to do things that are against biblical principles?

Always protects: Do you try to protect his heart from hurt, and him from the consequences of sinful choices?

Always trusts: Is he someone you can trust? Can he trust you?

Always hopes: Do you have a hope for a godly, lifelong relationship with him?

Always perseveres: Are you willing to work at your relationship to make it one that is pleasing to God?

Remember, our love and obedience for God is the most important and the most effective love to strive for. If you love God and have His directions foremost in your heart, then you can know that your love for other people is genuine.

If you have a question you’d like a guy’s opinion about, please let us know!

By Adam Grimenstein

“I have a great boyfriend who treats me decently and is a believer in Christ, but he’s not the coolest guy around. Should I let my peers’ words influence how I feel about this guy?”
– Sarah

First, let me ask you a question. Why are your friends not supportive of your boyfriend? It sounds like he is a great guy, with good character. If the reason your friends are not supportive of him is because he is not “cool” or “popular” then your friends are not being constructive; rather, they’re being destructive to your spiritual character, and you should seek other influences. I’m not saying to lose your friends; just seek the advice from other godly people. It is important to remember that you should be dating someone in order for that to lead to marriage. Don’t spend your time dating “cool” guys just for the sake of dating “cool” guys. You should be seeking a relationship with someone who is a godly man.

Here is something to consider: If the only reason your friends don’t think you should date this guy is because he’s not cool enough, then no, don’t allow their words to influence how you feel about him, and beware of potential jealousy tainting others’ words. On the other hand, if your friends have other, legitimate concerns about his character, and sincerely have your best interest at heart, then think about what they say, because often when we’re in a relationship, it’s hard for us to see what is obvious to someone who’s not emotionally attached.

It’s important to know who is building you up and who is tearing you down, spiritually. You need to be discerning and honest with yourself. Does your boyfriend build you up and encourage you in your walk with God, or does he tear you down? Do your friends build you up and support you in making godly choices, or do they discourage you when your choices lean toward biblical principles? If your friends are gossiping about your boyfriend and saying things you know they shouldn’t, then they’re probably tearing you down, as well as him.

Remember, Jesus was not a popular guy (Matthew 10:22), and many people gossiped about Him and spread rumors. He did not allow others’ opinions of Him or His beliefs hinder Him from what He was doing or change what He believed. Godly character can change the world. As important as popularity and fitting in may seem in our world, it is not nearly as significant or eternal as having godly character.

Adam Grimenstein

If you have a question you’d like a guy’s opinion about, please let us know!

“How do you tell a guy that you like him if you’re shy?”

Everyone has a tendency to be shy in certain situations.  Some people handle this very well by overcoming shyness through assuring their confidence and boldness even when they don’t want to. Other people struggle with being shy, sometimes because of a lack of confidence, boldness, or determination. For myself, I have always struggled with shyness around larger crowds of people. When I’m in these situations, I have to remind myself that everyone perceives, or views, me according to the way I act and handle myself. I also have to remember that confidence ultimately should come from God and not of myself! Paul told the Corinthians “Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God” (2 Cor. 3:4–5).

If you want to befriend someone who is intimidating to you, then have confidence in the way you present yourself, and this will be the way they will likely view you. Gaining confidence when you are shy is a very hard thing to do. Always remember that some of the flaws you think you have and see in yourself, other people don’t see. By working on overcoming your shyness, you learn to worry less about what other people think about you, which can cause you to be more outgoing and friendly and can hopefully lead others to Christ. When you start to focus less on how you think other people view you, and more on being a friendly, godly example to others, people will notice that (especially if they have the godly qualities you should be looking for in a friend).

God wants us to be confident. We should be confident in who we are and who God has made us to be. Paul urges us to not have confidence in our flesh—which is sinful and corrupt—but to place our confidence in God. Paul states this to the Phillipians: “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Phil. 1:6).

I believe dating is preparation for marriage. You may already be praying for your future spouse. Therefore, God will provide the right guy for you, so be patient and do not worry. Try not to be flirtatious or give the guy the wrong messages. Instead, try allowing him to take the initiative. If he asks you out, then tell him you would like to go out together with several people and just hang out and enjoy the time together as friends. If he never asks you out or he doesn’t like the idea of not dating, then you’ve saved yourself the heartbreak of a relationship that was not meant to be, and you will have kept yourself pure in the process while waiting for the person who God wants you to be with.

Remember, God already knows who will make a good spouse for you and you may not even know him yet, so pray for him and trust God will bring you together with the right guy at the right time.

– Adam Grimenstein

If you have a question you’d like a guy’s opinion about, please let us know!

I can never get a guy to even look at me because I’m big!!!!!!!!!! How do I find a guy that won’t mind my weight?

I Samuel 16:7 “…The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

Do you have a criterion when looking for a guy to date? Does he have to be taller than you? Does he have to have a Master’s degree? Does he have to be physically fit? You may have said yes to all of these things, or perhaps you don’t require any of them. Whether you do or not, most of us have a list of things we want in a partner and things we do not want. Sometimes that list consists of things that don’t matter, like hair color, but most of that list consists of things that have some sort of rationale. For example, girls often want a guy that is bigger than them so that they look and feel smaller. A girl might want a guy with a Master’s degree because to her that translates as security; or she might want a guy who is physically fit because it insinuates that the guy is energetic and enthusiastic, which translates as success.

Guys have lists in mind too, and sometimes, as unfair as it is, appearance is high on that list. Fortunately, the more mature a person becomes, the more they will look for what makes a relationship work and less at what does not matter; and you will recognize maturity when a person makes appropriate and thoughtful choices. It might be fun to hang out with a supermodel for a day or two, or sporadically, but looks alone will not make a relationship strong and healthy. First Samuel 16:7 says: “…The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” We often care more about the outside of a person than the inside, and this verse implies that it should not be this way. We should strive to be more like God and look at the heart and less at appearances.

Sometimes being big is just who we are. It might be a matter of genetics, or maybe you are just taller than most girls and there is no amount of dieting that will change that. But sometimes being big is a symptom of underlying issues. There is something here that is more important than worrying about guys not looking at you because you are “big.” Do you like who you are, regardless of your size? There are days when you may not like who you are based on a bad decision, and there may be longer periods of time that you do not like yourself because of the people you surround yourself with, but as followers of Christ, we should like who we are. In the meantime, try to consider it a blessing when guys overlook you because you are big; they are focusing on the outside. It might sound nice to have lots of guys liking you, but the more people notice you, the more they could distract you. Your goal should not be to get as many guys as possible to stare at your body––regardless of your size. If you are looking for a meaningful relationship, then your goal should be to attract only the guys that care about you as a person, and vice versa. The way to attract them is with good character and self confidence.

The bottom line is that something has to change, and that can be scary, because change is one the hardest things a person can go through, especially when it involves changing self perception. In your case, you may have to change eating habits, exercise, or both, which means that you may have to change when and where you spend your time. However, the more essential and difficult change deals with your self-esteem, which is the culmination of the way you see yourself and how you think others see you. A real change of character requires a watershed moment. This is basically the moment when you decide in your heart that you are going to go through a transformation. The watershed moment leads to a crucible period, which is basically a much longer period of time that really tests who you are. For example, when people make their New Year’s resolutions they may have had a watershed moment. The next step, the crucible period, is spending the next six months or a year fulfilling that promise. Unfortunately, many people fail to stick to the commitment; in other words, they cannot endure the crucible. But this is where you are going to be different. You are going to love who you are and you are going to make any changes that are appropriate and reasonable. I did not say strive to become the prettiest girl is school, or the thinnest, but a person you are happy to be.

Being physically attractive or caring about your appearance is not inherently wrong; it is completely normal to want to be attractive. However, it should not supersede the humble pursuit of self-confidence, not to be mistaken for pride. Ask yourself if being big is something you can change, and if you are willing. Or is it something you cannot change? If it is something you can change and you want to, yet you do not, it may be perceived as weakness of character. If it is something you cannot change and you accept it and love who you are regardless, it will be perceived as strength of character, and quality guys will notice that.

The other day I caught a story on TV about a man who was confined to a bed; he could not move because he was so big. That is obviously unhealthy. However, there is a point when big does not mean unhealthy, or lazy, and of course, not unattractive. You have to decide if guys are not looking your way because you are big, or if they are not looking at you because you are self conscious about being big. One of the most unattractive things to a guy is insecurity; you have to figure out a way to love yourself if you have not already. People like people who like themselves. Understand that even thin girls can be viewed as unattractive if they are insecure. As funny as it might sound, try spending some time with yourself. Figure out who you are and realize all of your great qualities. Believe that you are valuable, and guys will start to believe it too.

– Mitch Ebie

If you have a question you’d like a guy’s opinion about, please let us know!

“My boyfriend and I are struggling with sexual temptation. What can I do to help him keep his mind pure?”

It is a good thing that you have the desire to improve your relationship and keep things peaceful. That is an essential quality when you are a wife and mother, and it is a godly characteristic. In fact, that is the way God designed you. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, that quality should be mostly reserved until you’re married. If you try to make every relationship in your life “the one,” then you will be hurt and exhausted. Don’t use that quality trying to save something that is not working. You will know that a relationship is worth fighting for when both of you respect each other.

All the way up until the wedding day couples are essentially negotiating a contract that determines their role in the relationship. But it is not like bargaining in a street market where you are trying to get as much as you can for as little as possible. You are negotiating for mutual respect and equality. Unfortunately, when it is treated like bargaining, the focus is often who “wears the pants,” who spends their time in the kitchen, who has the final say, who gives in, and how far you will go physically. There is still negotiation once you are married, of course, but the wedding is the time that the contract is signed, literally. So, make sure to read the fine print while you are dating.

Thus far in your relationship you have negotiated terms. With some couples it might be like this: boy agrees to change his Facebook status to “in a relationship” and girl agrees put her heart in boys hands and be sexually active with him. It does not seem fair but that is often the extent of the agreement. The way that your question is worded implies that you may have both agreed that those terms will include “messing around” to some extent. Fortunately, you are in a relationship that you can get out of. There are two choices before marriage; either stay together or break up. I hope you would agree that you should not stay together under the current circumstances, which leaves only one choice. But I am also trying to emphasize the difficulty of trying to build up a new relationship on top of one that is already falling down; in other words, a break up is often the only solution.

There are many good reasons to remain pure, even in the midst of sexual temptation; think about what you will avoid: STDs, pregnancy, loss of self respect, loss of peer respect, and a broken heart. Furthermore, and most importantly, it is contrary to what the Bible teaches. Here is a short list to research: I Thessalonians 4:3-5 directly states God’s plan to avoid sexual immorality; Hebrews 13:4; 1 Corinthians 7:34 assumes that any unmarried person is a virgin; and Deuteronomy 22:13-21 best illustrates the Old Testament reverence for sexual purity. Have any of those good reasons been enough to keep the two of you sexually pure? If they have not, then actually changing things will require something more painful. Ask yourself if you are strong enough to suffer a little bit now by breaking up so that you will not have to suffer more later. This is the challenge you have to embrace.

Pay attention to happily married people (who are not still in the “honeymoon” phase). Notice that much of their time is spent just being in each other’s presence, not necessarily doing anything, often not even talking. My point is that your boyfriend has to care about you in that time, the time where there is no talking, no staring into each other’s eyes, no laughing, and no physical contact. If it is not enough to just be there with you, it will never be enough when you include “messing around.” Love the essence of a person, not just the perks that come along with them.

There is an order to a godly relationship, and the physical aspect is way down on the divine list; however, it is at the top of the human list. I have read Song of Solomon, and I know that it is sensual, but I have also noticed that it takes up only a few pages in the Bible. God intended for sex to be a good thing shared between a man and a woman after marriage. It was never intended to be an addiction that we cannot live without. Once it becomes a major focus of a relationship there will be problems. If you are not married and your relationship has gotten physical, it is nearly impossible to put it in reverse without making some major changes and decisions. These changes are not made with your boyfriend; they are changes that you make on your own. If you were not reading between the lines, I am suggesting that you break up with your boyfriend. This does not mean that you cannot be in a relationship later, but it does mean that you need to shake him up and let him know that you are putting your foot down and your morals first. By doing this you are looking out for him, but you are primarily looking out for yourself. Proverbs 4:23 says “above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Remember that the heart has an amazing ability to heal and God can restore anything, but there is no sense in putting it to the test. So, guard your heart now while you are young and deciding what you like, and later when you have made a commitment through marriage it will be an amazing gift.

– Mitch Ebie

Galatians 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

I’m tired of always dating the wrong guys! What can I do to attract a guy who will actually treat me right, and like me for who I am, instead of for what I look like?

The issue is never the issue. In this case, it seems to be that good guys are not attracted to you, but the real issue is that you are not attracted to the good guys who are attracted to you. And isn’t that how relationships are––she likes him but he likes some other girl who likes another guy. Sometimes all you can do is laugh.

There are plenty of options out there, and for every guy who you know is attracted to you there are at least a dozen more that never say anything. Therefore, remember that you are definitely attracting guys that will like you for who you are. The question is do you notice them?

I will be the first to admit that the male species is peculiar. But before talking about all of the nonsensical things that guys do, let’s start by asking what you could do differently. Sometimes we forget that we are not only looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right, we are striving to be Mr. or Mrs. Right for someone else.

People are like display cases, and everyone who walks by is doing a little window shopping. Ask yourself what you are putting out for display. Are you setting out your long curly hair, fancy car, and shorts that are way to short, or are you displaying modesty, gentleness, compassion, hospitality, and purity? It is true that if you are not displaying the former, then you may not have as many guys who are interested, but by offering godly qualities, you will ultimately not get any returns or exchanges.

If you are like most people, you are thinking, But I want people to stop and look now, not in a few years. This is where many of us get into trouble; we lack the foresight to see a bright future and the patience to wait for it. The best thing to do is show your godly qualities, and in the meantime resist the wrong guys and have patience until you start to notice the good guys. Expect it to be difficult, maybe the hardest thing you have ever had to do, but do not be discouraged; God has given you the ability.

There are guys out there that have their heads in the clouds, and there are some who have their heads in the sand. As funny as it might sound, these are the guys that girls seem to notice initially. The first guy is mysterious and romantic; the other is like a lost puppy begging for someone to take care of him––and let’s face it, who doesn’t want to help a lost puppy? But don’t forget that there are lots of guys standing with their feet on solid ground and their eyes focused straight ahead. They may be noticing you. Those are some of the guys that will like you for you, and they are some of the guys who are focused on God first. If you are attracting guys that are not good for you and are not genuine, and you are attracted to those same guys, then you have a challenge to embrace, and it will require patience.

Have you ever wondered why patience is such a major theme in the Bible? What do we need patience for, and how do we get it? Well, it is for putting up with others and ourselves as we mature, but getting it is not as easy. We cannot do much to help others mature and that is because each person has to decide for himself/herself, but we can decide to help ourselves with God’s guidance. You may have noticed that when you pray for patience God seems to give you struggles instead. Ironically, it is overcoming the struggles that leads to patience, and it is the patience that will help you to see the plan that God has for you. Galatians 6:9 tells us to be patient while pursuing things that are righteous. When we chase after the wrong people and display anything that is not Christ–like, we are not following the example that Paul wrote for the Galatians. “Do not be discouraged when resisting temptations; be optimistic for the future because when the time is right you will appreciate what God has reserved for you.” Have faith that God has reserved something wonderful for you.

– Mitch Ebie