“My boyfriend and I are struggling with sexual temptation. What can I do to help him keep his mind pure?”

It is a good thing that you have the desire to improve your relationship and keep things peaceful. That is an essential quality when you are a wife and mother, and it is a godly characteristic. In fact, that is the way God designed you. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, that quality should be mostly reserved until you’re married. If you try to make every relationship in your life “the one,” then you will be hurt and exhausted. Don’t use that quality trying to save something that is not working. You will know that a relationship is worth fighting for when both of you respect each other.

All the way up until the wedding day couples are essentially negotiating a contract that determines their role in the relationship. But it is not like bargaining in a street market where you are trying to get as much as you can for as little as possible. You are negotiating for mutual respect and equality. Unfortunately, when it is treated like bargaining, the focus is often who “wears the pants,” who spends their time in the kitchen, who has the final say, who gives in, and how far you will go physically. There is still negotiation once you are married, of course, but the wedding is the time that the contract is signed, literally. So, make sure to read the fine print while you are dating.

Thus far in your relationship you have negotiated terms. With some couples it might be like this: boy agrees to change his Facebook status to “in a relationship” and girl agrees put her heart in boys hands and be sexually active with him. It does not seem fair but that is often the extent of the agreement. The way that your question is worded implies that you may have both agreed that those terms will include “messing around” to some extent. Fortunately, you are in a relationship that you can get out of. There are two choices before marriage; either stay together or break up. I hope you would agree that you should not stay together under the current circumstances, which leaves only one choice. But I am also trying to emphasize the difficulty of trying to build up a new relationship on top of one that is already falling down; in other words, a break up is often the only solution.

There are many good reasons to remain pure, even in the midst of sexual temptation; think about what you will avoid: STDs, pregnancy, loss of self respect, loss of peer respect, and a broken heart. Furthermore, and most importantly, it is contrary to what the Bible teaches. Here is a short list to research: I Thessalonians 4:3-5 directly states God’s plan to avoid sexual immorality; Hebrews 13:4; 1 Corinthians 7:34 assumes that any unmarried person is a virgin; and Deuteronomy 22:13-21 best illustrates the Old Testament reverence for sexual purity. Have any of those good reasons been enough to keep the two of you sexually pure? If they have not, then actually changing things will require something more painful. Ask yourself if you are strong enough to suffer a little bit now by breaking up so that you will not have to suffer more later. This is the challenge you have to embrace.

Pay attention to happily married people (who are not still in the “honeymoon” phase). Notice that much of their time is spent just being in each other’s presence, not necessarily doing anything, often not even talking. My point is that your boyfriend has to care about you in that time, the time where there is no talking, no staring into each other’s eyes, no laughing, and no physical contact. If it is not enough to just be there with you, it will never be enough when you include “messing around.” Love the essence of a person, not just the perks that come along with them.

There is an order to a godly relationship, and the physical aspect is way down on the divine list; however, it is at the top of the human list. I have read Song of Solomon, and I know that it is sensual, but I have also noticed that it takes up only a few pages in the Bible. God intended for sex to be a good thing shared between a man and a woman after marriage. It was never intended to be an addiction that we cannot live without. Once it becomes a major focus of a relationship there will be problems. If you are not married and your relationship has gotten physical, it is nearly impossible to put it in reverse without making some major changes and decisions. These changes are not made with your boyfriend; they are changes that you make on your own. If you were not reading between the lines, I am suggesting that you break up with your boyfriend. This does not mean that you cannot be in a relationship later, but it does mean that you need to shake him up and let him know that you are putting your foot down and your morals first. By doing this you are looking out for him, but you are primarily looking out for yourself. Proverbs 4:23 says “above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Remember that the heart has an amazing ability to heal and God can restore anything, but there is no sense in putting it to the test. So, guard your heart now while you are young and deciding what you like, and later when you have made a commitment through marriage it will be an amazing gift.

– Mitch Ebie


  1. Thanks for speaking the truth, even though it’s not a popular mindset or what most girls want to hear. You did a great job at presenting your information in a straightforward manner without being graphic. Keep up the great work!

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