My mom doesn’t want me to go swimming with my guy friends this summer because she says it is hard for a guy to keep his thoughts pure when he’s around girls in their bathing suits. What’s worse is she won’t even let me get a bikini! All of my friends are wearing them! She says she’s just concerned for my purity, but I think she’s being way too overprotective. Can you please explain to her that it’s not a big deal??!?!!
–Dying of Heat in Georgia
I know how you feel—you think your mother is being way too restrictive and doesn’t have any idea what’s cool now. While that might be true, she still has your best interests in mind. It’s not that she doesn’t trust you; she obviously just understands teen boys. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to be able to help much with the fashion side of things—check out Alicia’s article for that—but I do think I can help with idea of both sides of the situation and give you a direction to go.
What’s the big deal about a bikini anyway, right? “It’s just a bikini and everyone else wears them.” Or, “That’s just the way things are today.” I’m sure these thoughts have crossed your mind, so let’s think about it for a minute and decide what the real issue is here. If we take a look at 1Timothy 2:9, it says, “likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control….” So, girls are supposed to be modest. Anyone can take an honest look at this verse and agree that bikinis aren’t modest. The verse also mentions respectable apparel. I think respectable apparel would be clothes that allow the wearer to be respected.
So, what about swimming with boys? In the appropriate situation, I think this is just fine, but I’d definitely not swim alone with a boy. Even if your intentions are pure, his might not be, and even if they are, he can easily be severely tested. You can help out by talking to your mom and setting up some rules–don’t forget to cover all the bases. Important situations to talk about would include the public pool, pool parties, going swimming on dates, swimming at camp, and swimming at the beach. Taking responsibility for yourself can often be met with greater trust. Of course, in the end, you must obey and respect your parents’ decisions. If they have clearly stated that you may not swim in the company of boys, then don’t. It doesn’t matter if everyone else is, or if you feel uncool, or if you think it’s simply just unfair and too old-fashioned. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” (Ephesians 6:1 ESV). This verse in Ephesians does not include the word unless. (This means no switching swimsuits after leaving the house and no lying about who all will be attending that pool party!)
Now for the second half of that question. I will confirm that if you get that bikini, you will get attention. However, it isn’t going to be the attention a Christian girl should be looking for. God designed guys to be visual. We can’t help it; it’s just the way we were made. God made us that way so we can enjoy our wives after we’re married. We are made to like what we see, and to want more of what we see. When God designed us that way, he wasn’t intending for females to walk around in skimpy clothes or bikinis. He was intending for us to have fun with our wives at home. Read Song of Solomon chapter four if you need a better explanation of this! When girls dress immodestly, they are dressing in a way God does not approve of, and they are tempting men to lust over them. All men are tempted in this area—Christians, non-Christians, married, and single. It doesn’t matter who the man is—God designed all of us to be visual! You will be respected more when you’re dressed modestly, and we’ll appreciate you for your godliness and consideration.
Remember that your mom is just trying to protect you because she understands men a little better than you do; so try to listen to her and be patient with her, because she’s doing her best. It might require a little more work and some well-thought-out shopping, but you can find alternatives that will keep both you and Mom happy. Just a simple google search for “modest swimsuit” yields tons of results. You can also try your local mall or other stores, but finding one online that suits your taste might be a little easier.
When looking for a suit, keep a few things in mind:
1. Does this swimsuit cover a lot more than your normal underwear? If not, then call it what it is; don’t believe a name change makes it acceptable to wear in public.
2. Is the suit family friendly? What if you wore this swimsuit with your family at the beach? Would you feel comfortable?
3. Are you embarrassed? Try the suit on and walk outside the changing room. Just how red your face turns is a good indicator!
4. Is it functional? Look for something secure enough that it’s not going to malfunction (think strapless or too loose) if you take a jump off the high dive.
You can look attractive and modest at the same time, so please do all men a favor this summer and cover up.
“And he will spread out his hands in the midst of it as a swimmer spreads his hands out to swim, but the LORD will lay low his pompous pride together with the skill of his hands.” Isaiah 25:11 (ESV)
By Nathan Parks
Your friend is right when she says that you can’t mother her. Unfortunately, you do not have the authority to keep her from attending parties or hanging out with the wrong people. What you can do is to influence her to want to live a Christian life and give her other options by inviting her to be with you instead. You may not be able to completely shield her from the world, but you can at least plant the seed and pray that it falls on good ground. Remember, if she doesn’t want to hear about Christ, she’s rejecting the Gospel, NOT you. If your friend doesn’t listen to you and parties or decides to drink anyway, it’s not your fault. You should not feel guilty. You may have done your best, but you cannot make her decisions for her. Your job is not to convict her, but to teach her God’s word.
God made each and every one of us so beautiful and unique! How sad it is whenever we try to clone ourselves into what we think is the acceptable norm. The next time you go to the mall, or are in a large crowd, really look around you. Look at the women around you. What do you see? Overlook their shapes, and your preconceived ideas, and what magazines and Hollywood would have you think is normal, and look into their eyes. Look at their faces. Do you see their beauty? Now, look in the mirror. Look deeply into your own eyes. Do you see your own unique beauty?
I have seen many outwardly beautiful girls and women who quickly became ugly to me because of their attitudes, actions, or the way they spoke. Likewise, others have not been as physically attractive, but because they lived their lives in accordance to God’s will, they were the most beautiful women I have ever met. Why? His light shines brightly in their lives, and they glow! Let it be known who you are from the inside out! Whenever you start to change who you are from your heart first, to be the young woman God wants you to be, you will glow with His love. Your face will radiate His love, and your beauty will shine through! “Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven” Matthew 5:16 (NKJV).
songs about me, and always knew just how to embarrass me in front of my friends. You taught me to find the good in the bad, that there is always a time to laugh, and that embarrassment is only temporary. To my husband, Roger, on his first Father’s Day: thank you for being there for our son. I am so grateful he has you as his dad!
Thank you, Gaylord Gardner, for teaching me to be kind, loving, gentle, and tender-hearted. I’ll always cherish my special times that I spent with you as a little girl, when you bought me my Teddy Bear, on our trips to the market to buy bubble gum, as we studied the Bible together, as I talked to you while you worked in the garden and followed you everywhere you went. You’ve always been there for me—to laugh with me, to cry with me, and to encourage me to keep on living a godly life no matter what comes my way. I love you Daddy!
My grandfather, Robert Garrett, is the best man I have ever met. Through these years of confusion and simplicity, he has always been there to listen and give advice. He has taught me so many things about God, safety, and life. Last January, when he went into surgery, he taught me to pray and trust God with my whole heart and soul. When it comes to safety, he taught me to never unbuckle my seatbelt until we have come to a complete stop and put the car in park. In fact, if I unbuckle my seatbelt when we turn onto my street, he will stop in the middle of the road and wait until I buckle back up before driving again! In life he has taught me what a real man is supposed to be and has been an example of the kind of man I hope to marry someday. So, here is a huge thank you to the one who is not only my Poppa, but has also been like a father to me.
My dad always has good advice. I think sometimes he thinks it isn’t wanted or valued, but I know he cares enough to want to help.
My father, Greg Conley, has been such a huge influence in my life. His godly influence has inspired me to strive to be the strongest Christian I can be. I see others each day either without a father or with one who doesn’t care and am so happy that I am blessed with one as great as mine. He has always been there for me, whether to play with me on a rainy day, to sit in the stands and watch me play, or to just hug me and say “I love you.” So I want to say, “Dad, thank you, and I love you too.”
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