Q. Dear Rachel,
How can youth groups keep from having cliques?
-Anonymous

A. Honestly, I think it’s impossible to completely avoid having cliques. There will always be people with whom we get along better than others. That’s not necessarily a bad thing as long as different groups can still interact and have fun together, and do not consider themselves superior to others. It is essential to be in a group that will encourage you to be godly. It’s important to have someone you can relate to in your youth group. The problems arise when cliques are taken to the extreme. If some people talk down to a certain group or completely ignore them, then there is a problem. Of course, you may not mean to isolate someone from your group, but that is often what happens. You must always be aware of how you treat others.

One important way to avoid isolating others and to grow closer as a youth group is to not gossip about other people. If you gossip about people, you are planting a seed of disapproval in the minds of others. Every time they see that person they will think about whatever rumor you passed on to them, whether it is true or not. Not only is it not Christ-like, but we are told in I Thessalonians 5:11 to build up one another. This does not include spreading rumors.

Another way to avoid isolation is to make an effort to include everyone. Make sure that everyone is included in your activities. If the person is shy, talk to them first and invite them to sit with you. Sometimes a little friendliness is all it takes to make someone more comfortable and talkative. Even if you’re not best friends with everyone in your youth group, you still need to have enough love for each other to be able to work well together and communicate. Remember, you have a common bond, which is your love for God and your desire to serve Him.

If someone is different from you and your friends, do not judge them for it. Be understanding and compassionate. They may be going through something that you’ve never experienced before. If that’s the case, they may need you more than you realize at the moment. We are all one in Christ (Gal. 3:28). No matter who we are, we are all His children. He loves us all the same, no matter who our friends are. Just because someone else doesn’t share our interests doesn’t mean that they are any less special or important, or that they need any less attention from fellow Christians. Also, we must remember to love one another (John 15:12). By loving as John commands us to love, we should have very few problems with cliques. If you don’t like a person’s actions, remember that you are to love your enemies as well as your neighbors (friends) (Matt. 5:44). In this case, you need to examine your heart and pray that God will help you to love those whom your heart is resisting loving.

In order to have a healthy, growing youth group, you must be willing to accept new people. You are not better than anyone else simply because you’ve been a Christian longer, struggled less, or attended your church and known everyone in the youth group since you were born. We are all equally God’s children.

Do not be discouraged if the cliques in your church do not immediately disappear. It takes time to build relationships. It requires the participation of everyone to succeed. You may need to discuss the problem with everyone. They might not even be aware that there is a problem. Remember to treat each other with the respect and love that God commands us to demonstrate.

Even if no one else is willing to give up their clique, refuse to become involved in mean behavior, and pray for their hearts. God can use your example to change their hearts. When others see your attitude and decision to live in a godly way, they may just take your lead.

– Rachel Conley

Q. Dear Rachel,
What’s the first step in talking to someone about becoming a Christian?
-Anonymous

The number of people taken in by atheism and false teaching is increasing exponentially, making this a very popular question among teens. We love our friends, and so, naturally, we are concerned for their spiritual well-being. One of the hardest things we must do in our Christian lives is find the courage to talk to a friend about Christ. What if they don’t listen? What if they get annoyed and don’t want to be our friend anymore? However, even more frightening than these thoughts is the possibility that your friend might be going to hell. Any time I think of my non-Christian friends, I am saddened to think that they won’t be spending eternity joyfully praising God in heaven, but instead will be suffering through everlasting torment. It is also important to remember that we will one day have to give an answer to God about why we never tried to teach them. “So then each of us will give an account of himself to God” (Romans 14:12). There is no reasonable excuse for not sharing the gospel with our friends.

Once you have made up your mind that you are going to talk to your friend, you must first study the topic for yourself. We are commanded in 1 Peter 3:15 to “be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear.” Study the topic before beginning a study with a friend. It is impossible to know what they will ask you, and it will make a much better impression on them if you can use God’s word in your discussion. If you do not know the answer to one of their questions, don’t just say, “I don’t know.” Instead, tell them you’re not sure and that you will look it up and get back to them as soon as possible; or study it together. You might also want to research the religion of your friend, if they practice one. This will help to prepare you to tackle any difficult issues they may throw at you. If you need help researching, you might want to visit your church library, ask your preacher or a mature Christian, or Contact Us and we would be happy to answer your question as best we can.

It’s difficult to determine where to begin when you are ready to speak to your friend. It may be best to begin in the gospel, with Jesus’ death on the cross, and His resurrection. Explain that we are sinners in need of salvation. Once they understand its importance, you might then want to explain the plan of salvation as the way to obey God and gain eternal salvation. In order to enter heaven, one must obey God’s Word. (Mark 16:16, Acts 2:38, Acts 22:16, 1 Peter 3:21). If your friend puts priority on traditions or family beliefs instead of leaning on the Bible and God as the only authority, you may wish to begin with biblical authority. If the person you are trying to convert is an atheist, you may want to start with a study of Christian evidences. There is a considerable amount of scientific evidence that supports Christianity, just as there are verses in the Bible that support modern scientific beliefs. If you need help finding information on this topic, let us know, and we can supply you with information!

If your friend is receptive, you may want to suggest beginning a weekly Bible study and invite them to attend church with you. If your friend is comfortable with the idea, you may ask your youth minister or preacher to be present at these devotionals to answer the questions you cannot. Their presence would also provide your friend with additional acquaintances from your church, making them more relaxed with attending. Good luck!

– Rachel

Q. Dear Rachel,
How do you deal with peer pressure?
-Bekah, 15

A. There is no easy way to deal with peer pressure. With school starting, you will be constantly exposed to peer pressure. One way to deal with it is to place yourself in a crowd where negative pressure isn’t as common. If you spend more time with your Christian friends, it will be much easier to avoid the call of the world. Exposing your mind to moral speech and ideals, rather than worldly speech and ideals, will help to strengthen your Christianity. We are reminded in I Cor. 15:33, “Do not be deceived: Bad company corrupts good morals.” It’s much more likely for you to be corrupted if you hang out with immoral people. However, even if you hang out with Christian friends and those with positive influences, you can’t just ignore your other classmates. Fighting peer pressure is a battle of willpower. No one can make your decisions for you. If you are determined to be a faithful Christian, you must stand up to peer pressure and be willing to be different. You will be pressured to conform to the world. Teens are constantly being made to think that the only way to be accepted is to be just like everyone else. That is not true. No one can deny liking a kind, loving, friendly, patient Christian person, no matter what clique. It is true that you may not be best friends with the most popular girl in school by being a Christian, but you will be well-liked, and, more importantly, you will grow closer to Christ. It is important to keep your faith alive and strong to resist the temptation.

“Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armor of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.”(Eph. 6:10-13, KJV)

By studying and praying daily, you will be a much stronger Christian and find it easier to refuse peer pressure, because you will know God’s word more and will be more in tune to His plans for you.

-Rachel

Q. I love your magazine!!! I have a question. We left our church and I don’t like the one we are going to right now. There are only about 5 kids; none of them are my age. And the congregation is mostly elderly people. How should I tell my mom I don’t like it? Thanks!!!
-Khylie

A. It’s very important to have people your own age at your church. In fact, we have someone who just started coming to our church for that reason. I think you should just sit down with your mom and explain to her why you’re not as happy there. Before speaking with your mom, you might want to research some other local churches. Be prepared with some suggestions of nearby scriptural churches that you want to visit. According to John 4:24 “God is spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth,” you can’t choose just any church; you must be sure it is scriptural before suggesting it. Doing the research in advance will help your mom to realize how important this is to you, which will make your discussion easier for both of you. Tell your mom that having people your age will help to strengthen your faith but be careful not to use that as an excuse. It can help, but our strengthening is still our responsibility, with the Holy Spirit and God. Having a solid relationship with Christian peers is helpful in being strong enough to avoid worldly pressures. You might also want to mention that an active youth group will provide an opportunity for you to become more involved with your church. Be sure to speak to your mom respectfully and calmly so that the conversation doesn’t become an argument. If you tell her these things in an adult manner, she will be more likely to listen to you and to want to help you find a church with a larger youth group. You may also want to ask your mom why you changed churches in the first place, if you don’t already know. There might be a good reason of which you are not aware. In the end, you must accept your mother’s decision, as the Bible says in Ephesians 6:1 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” If she decides to stay at your current church, and wants you to stay as well, there are ways to keep a positive outlook. For example, you could invite the other five kids to an activity perfect for all ages, such as a movie, amusement park, roller blading, etc. You could get to know some of the elderly people as well. You could try talking to them after church, taking them a meal you made (see Cooking Corner), or offering to help them with something they may need help with at home (see Helping Hands). I know hanging out with old people may not seem like fun right now, but believe me, there is much more value to befriending an elderly person than you would think. You can also get together with local youth groups by hanging out with them and attending their camps and activities, which may help it to not be such a big deal to stay right where you are. I hope this helps you, Khylie!

-Rachel

Now for a question on a much lighter note…

Q. Dear Rachel,

When I pull my hair back to get it out of my face, it leaves a huge ridge after I let it down again. That’s really annoying and I’d like to know if there’s a way to avoid that.

-Anonymous

A. I know exactly what you’re talking about and it can be very annoying. There are a couple of ways to avoid that. One is to make a low braid instead of a ponytail. If you don’t leave the braid in all day, it probably won’t cause any weird waves. Another way is to use a scrunchie instead of an elastic hairband. Scrunchies may not be as fashionable, but if you’re at home or don’t care what you look like at the moment, they’re an excellent way to avoid the ridge, because they’re softer and looser. You might also want to consider using a headband to hold your hair back. You can also rid yourself of the ridge with an electric straightener.

– Rachel

Q. I received two very similar requests this month so I’m going to answer them at the same time. They were:

“I need suggestions on how to be more spiritual through prayer and Bible study.”

and

“How do you find time to study the Bible?”

A. Sometimes it may seem like there just isn’t enough time in the day. How are we supposed to study the Bible, do homework, go to school, play sports, and still have time to be teenagers? It may be impossible to get everything done, so we need to prioritize. Of course, God needs to be our first priority. My preacher gave one of the best suggestions I have heard about incorporating Bible study into everyday life. He recommends devoting at least 10 minutes every morning to quiet Bible reading and meditation. You may only read a few verses a day, but it’s better than nothing. It’s best to conduct this activity in the morning, if possible, because the evenings are often too busy, and our days tend to get away from us. In the morning, one’s mind is clearer, less troubled, and refreshed. Pretty soon, those 10 minutes will turn into 15-, 20-, and even 30-minute sessions. Remember that we are commanded to “study to show thyself approved unto God” (2 Timothy 2:15 KJV). As far as prayer is concerned, the only thing I can suggest is to do so everyday. Don’t pray only when you want something from God. It’s important to thank him daily and to talk to Him about your problems. Ask for His guidance, and seek advice in His word. For example, you could turn off your radio in the car on your way to school, helping you to meditate and talk to God while you drive. Be careful though—it could be dangerous to concentrate on praying if you’re an inexperienced driver. You could even pray in the shower. Don’t limit your praying time to only when conducting other activities, though. It’s important to fully devote yourself to prayer. A good time for this would be before and/or after your daily bible study. It doesn’t matter where, as long as you can devote your mind to it. You can choose to make God your best friend, or a mere acquaintance with whom you only exchange a few words every other day. In order to have a close, spiritual relationship with God, you have to speak with him on a daily basis as if He is your best friend. You can’t call God or email Him, but our avenue, prayer, is even easier—we only have to start talking.

– Rachel Conley

Q. My friend and I have always been known as “good girls.” She is not a Christian, but she has never gotten drunk, had sex, or done drugs. However, she recently became friends with another girl at our school. This girl is a lot of fun to be around but she is not the best influence for my friend. She often invites my friend to parties where there is drinking and immoral actions. I have been invited, too, but I always turn her down. My friend has attended a few of these parties, and, although she has not yet, I am afraid that she’ll give in to peer pressure and be caught up in worldly things. I tried to speak with her on the subject and even showed her verses about drinking but all she did was get angry at me and accuse me of “getting religious” on her. She said she can take care of herself and doesn’t need me to mother her. I would like to believe her, but, unlike me, she does not have a religious tie to bind her to moral actions. She must depend on her own willpower. She chose to abstain from worldly practices on her own accord, not because of any religious teachings. How can I influence her to continue her moral life and maybe even become a Christian without “getting religious”?
-Anonymous, 16

A. I must congratulate you on even having the nerve to talk to your friend in the first place. A lot of girls would not even have done that. It shows how much you love and care about her. I hope she realizes what a good friend you are and appreciates your effort. I also sympathize with your problem. I have seen many people who, upon entering high school and attending such parties, are influenced by the world. It only takes a little bit, like that first drink, to initiate an addiction to immorality. For your particular problem, I have three suggestions: continue to influence her through your own life, use facts to discourage her to participate, and remember to always persevere in teaching God’s word.

One of the best things you can do for someone is to be a Christian friend. Whether or not you realize it or she acknowledges it, everything you do will influence her. You may think that no one notices you, but everyone’s eyes are on Christians. Some are waiting for us to mess up so they can catch us, but others watch us because they admire the morality that Christians strive to achieve everyday. As Jesus said in Matthew 5:14, “Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid.”(KJV) There are always someone’s eyes watching you. As Christians, we must relish the opportunity to influence others and let that inspire us to live lives that not only we can be proud of, but God as well. Merely refusing the party invitations was a proclamation to the world that you are a Christian and you are different from the world. To influence your friend you must continue to be different. Romans 12:2 says “And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”(KJV) You must continue to turn down such invitations. Remember, you can be just as easily influenced by the world as she. If you know there is going to be a party this weekend, invite her to hang out with you instead. Show her that she can have just as much fun with you as at that party. Take advantage of the summer and the fact that she won’t be around her other school friends as much. You could even invite her to attend church camp with you. Check out our Top Ten list for ideas of fun things you can do together.

Another thing you can do to influence her is to say something to discourage her from ever desiring to participate in such activities. For example, some underage friends of mine were drinking last weekend at one of their homes while her parents were away. Apparently, there was a crowd of people there, all drinking and partying. The cops showed up and proceeded to take their names and phone numbers and call their parents. They were all too drunk to even try to evade the police and were all in serious trouble. In response to such an event, you could comment to your friend, “Why would anyone even want to do that? Is it really worth all that trouble? And think about the brain damage alcohol causes,” or you could also say, “I don’t understand how getting drunk, throwing up, and being arrested is fun.” Be creative and find ways to discourage that kind of behavior, without sounding as though you are judging her. You may want to talk about what a waste of one’s youth it is to get pregnant as a teenager, or refer to the many lives ruined by alcohol and drugs. Imagine that the school jock goes out and gets drunk every weekend after the game, and maybe even some on weeknights. He doesn’t need to worry about school; he already has a scholarship. Everyone else may admire him, and your friend may enjoy going to a party that she knows he’s attending. However, you could show your disapproval by commenting, “You know, I bet thirty years from now, he’ll be that alcoholic that sits in a bar all day and spends all his money on alcohol, reminiscing about when he was the star player of his high school team.” Let her know that there is no future in alcohol and definitely no eternal life.

No matter how much she may seem to hate talking about religion, you must never give up on teaching her about God. Of course, do not assault her with scripture on a daily basis, but keep sliding inconspicuous religious comments into your conversation. If you continue to be a Christian influence and try to be a living example of the contentment that God’s word brings, she may eventually come to you with questions about your religion. As ideal as that response is, it is unfortunately the least likely. Just remember to keep inviting her to church, youth group activities, gospel meetings, Vacation Bible School, church camp, and anything else that you think might benefit her. She may just need a little nudge to get her interested. Do not be discouraged if she becomes angry with you. Anger is sometimes the first reaction to God’s word. It may just mean that you need to step back for a little while and let it sink in or let her get over it. Whatever happens, you can never stop trying. Remember that we are commanded to teach all nations (Matt. 28:19). You can also pray for your friend. She really needs God right now, and if she won’t pray for herself, you need to be praying that she will make the right decisions in her life and be influenced by something you do or say. James 5:16 reminds us that we are to pray for one another. Even if nothing else you do or say seems to work, you can pray for God’s spirit to work on her heart—because God can work!

Your friend is right when she says that you can’t mother her. Unfortunately, you do not have the authority to keep her from attending parties or hanging out with the wrong people. What you can do is to influence her to want to live a Christian life and give her other options by inviting her to be with you instead. You may not be able to completely shield her from the world, but you can at least plant the seed and pray that it falls on good ground. Remember, if she doesn’t want to hear about Christ, she’s rejecting the Gospel, NOT you. If your friend doesn’t listen to you and parties or decides to drink anyway, it’s not your fault. You should not feel guilty. You may have done your best, but you cannot make her decisions for her. Your job is not to convict her, but to teach her God’s word.

By Rachel Conley