Instantly Changed: Sin and Consequence

Go here to read part one in this series.

The sin

During those three years, I broke up with Frank numerous times. The very last time I broke up with him, he told me that if I ever broke up with him again he would commit suicide. He really messed with my mind. I believed him and I never broke up with him again. Within a few months I was pregnant. I have always felt that it was Frank’s way of making sure that I would never leave him. I thought to myself, what Christian boy would want me now anyway?

It was a very humiliating time for me. Frank didn’t wear the “scarlet letter”; I did. I hid my pregnancy for 4 ½ months from everyone. Since I could sew, I made a couple of baggie tops to wear to camouflage my stomach getting bigger, and just kept my pants unbuttoned.

I never considered abortion and I never wanted to give my baby up for adoption. I was afraid that my parents would make me give my baby up. I was so scared. I had morning sickness and tried to hide that by telling my mom I had the flu. I wanted to run away. I wanted desperately to go to another state and get married to Frank. So many crazy thoughts went through my head, not wanting to tell my parents. I couldn’t hide it any longer and Frank wouldn’t let me run. He made me stay and confront my problems.

Frank came to my parents’ house one evening so that we could tell them about my pregnancy. I don’t think it came as a complete shock to them because one time my mom found a note in my purse that I had written to Frank, stating that I was upset because I was no longer a virgin. I felt so dirty all the time. I felt like a battle was going on inside of me for my soul. I felt so much guilt, which I rightfully should have felt. I felt so lost.

I can’t describe the embarrassment I felt when my parents knew I wasn’t a virgin. I was so ashamed. Sin is so devastating. A few moments of pleasure are not worth the humiliation and the consequences of sin, and those were just my consequences on this Earth! If the earthly pain of sin is so intense, I can’t imagine the consequences we will have in hell if we don’t repent.

My parents were considerably calm and loving to me and to Frank as well. I felt very blessed that they were my parents. Even still, it was so humiliating. I knew I had let them down, and I had let God down. I really felt like I was wearing a scarlet letter around my neck.

Some of my so-called girlfriends would no longer have anything to do with me because they didn’t want to ruin their reputations by being associated with me, even though several of them had acted in the same ways: they just hadn’t been caught. Most of the people at church were nice to me and I received numerous letters of encouragement from some of them. After my baby was born, they gave me a baby shower.

The consequence

I never, ever felt that my baby was the sin, but rather the consequences of my sin and disobedience to God. I dearly loved my baby from the earliest stages of my pregnancy. I remember feeling the little butterfly feelings of it moving inside me. It took my breath away the first time I felt it. I grew up around children and loved them, and I knew how to take care of them, so I wasn’t scared about becoming a mother.

I was in my junior year when I became pregnant. I only needed a few more classes to graduate, so I went early in the morning before school started and was tutored in the classes I needed to take. I graduated with the senior class. Graduation day was a totally humiliating experience for me. I cried all the way across the stage to receive my diploma. I wanted to disappear! I couldn’t get across the stage fast enough! My stomach was so huge! I wished I had the diploma mailed to me because that was a very horrible day.

I had my baby that summer following a long and difficult birth. Frank wasn’t there. He had enlisted in the Army and was in basic training. It was embarrassing to be a single, pregnant teenager giving birth. I was so glad to hold my precious new baby in my arms. I was so relieved that my baby was safe.

I’m glad that my mom taught me how to cook, how to care for my home, and how to care for my newborn. My mom was there for me but she was always careful not to intrude on me being my baby’s mama. I have used what my mom taught me all of my life.

I held my little baby close to me and snuggled with it. I would lay my baby across my lap and stroke its hair. My baby was so precious to me! My baby loved me and I dearly loved my baby. I have loved that child from before it was born and my love for this child grows deeper all the time. I loved it so much that when I was pregnant for my second child a few years later, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to divide my love between them. I was wrong. Love doesn’t divide; it multiplies!

Check back next month to read part three.

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