Protective Parent

We recently received the following question from a mom, and due to the family content in the question and answer, we decided to post it in our family column this month, in hopes that it will help other moms and daughters struggling with similar issues.

I am a mom, dealing with an 18-year-old daughter who has her first boyfriend. He is 23–a scary thing for me. Anyway, my daughter thinks it’s fine to be on the phone at all hours of the early morning. I know this is wrong. She says, “Get over it, Mom; it’s summer. I can talk to him whenever I want.” Well . . . can you show her why it is not wise, let alone that her parents have asked her not to do it, and month after month she still does it?

Dear Concerned Mom,

Your question has caused some debate among a few of the staff members, so we are going to take the best of what everyone had to say and try to give you a practical answer.

First of all, it’s important to remember that your daughter is 18, and an adult. She is old enough to vote, get married, go to war, attend college, or move away from home. Most people will test their limits and want to try out new freedoms as they reach adulthood, and that is very normal. If the only thing your daughter is doing is talking to her boyfriend on the phone too much, that might be something to let slide. If, however, she is sneaking her boyfriend into her room at night or staying out with him until three in the morning, action will need to be taken.

Since this is your daughter’s first relationship, this is a very new and exciting time in her life, and if you are making a big deal of her talking on the phone too late at night, she is probably not going to feel like she can share this part of her life with you. If you place too many restrictions on her, she may rebel and be pushed closer to her boyfriend and farther away from you, which will hurt both you and her.

Before you do anything else, pray! Pray that God will open your daughter’s eyes to the type of person her boyfriend really is if he’s not good for her, and pray that God will open your heart to your daughter’s boyfriend if he is good for her. Pray for wisdom on how to handle the situation.

If you have serious concerns about your daughter’s relationship with her boyfriend, we recommend sitting down with your daughter, at a neutral time, and lovingly voicing your concerns about her relationship. Begin this session with a joint prayer, asking God to open both of your hearts to each other, and to help you both understand how the other person feels. Explain to your daughter that you’re concerned for her, and that while you understand being in a relationship is very exciting, it’s not wise to allow a relationship to take over one’s life. If staying up all night on the phone is causing her to be too tired to go to work or help out at home during the day, that is a problem, so lovingly discuss that with her. If you have made a bigger deal than you should have made about the situation, ask her forgiveness during your discussion. Tell her that you want her to feel like she can share things with you, then make a sincere effort to not judge her or give her advice unless she asks. Just listen to her. Listen to her tell you why she likes her boyfriend, let her tell you about what she sees in him, and love her as she explains to you what she wants in a future spouse. If your daughter isn’t ready to talk, respect that too, and let her know that the door is open whenever she’s ready to share that part of her life with you.

After you pray and talk to your daughter, let go. Remember that she is an adult and that she will mess up, but that’s just part of growing up. Love her and be willing to comfort her when she’s hurting, but allow her to be an adult. You’ve raised her for eighteen years, and now you can start to stand back a little and enjoy the fruit of your labor!

A few of the moms at Pierce My Heart


  1. Wow!! Great advice! Many mothers and daughters go through a rough time with situations like these, and this is a great article to link to when others are facing something like this.

Speak Your Mind